Well, this post is a little late but hey ho 😂. This week has been an absolute joy, with a tiny sprinkle of ~feelings~.
The beginning of the week was fairly typical, V went back to school on Wednesday. Which is also the day D came up to visit. V was hesitant to go back to school, but she's settled in again and seems to be enjoying it.
D has gone home now 🥺. It's always hard to see him go. This time it's only 18 days until he's back. Since he's coming up at the end of the month and staying for a little over a week for my graduation 🥳.
We ended up spending most of the time D was here hanging out, chilling, and gaming. Both D and M have been playing the new Final Fantasy Ever Crisis on their phones. They seem to be enjoying it. I have downloaded it myself but I am yet to try it 😂.
M and D ~called me out~ this week and discussed an area I need to work on. The area in question is my ability to balance my time when D is here. I have slowly been improving but it was brought to my attention that I need to make sure M gets enough alone time with me. I'm glad they made me aware, now I can work on that. As D starts spending more time here, honing this skill will be a necessity.
Discussion around D moving also occurred. Since these last few months of the year are going to be busy for everyone; We came to the agreement/understanding that he will move in the new year. This gives everyone time to adjust, D to make arrangements and get the busy part of the year out of the way. So, it is no longer a case of if he moves, but when ðŸ¤. In the meantime, we will be planning and discussing things more in preparation. I already have a few things in mind that I want to work on.
Earlier this month I decided to start writing down my ~intrusive~, or otherwise, anxiety-filled thoughts, in an attempt to get them out of my head. Instead of having them linger and build up. It helped mostly, but it didn't stop them from popping up every so often. I showed my list of thoughts to D, he read through them and offered reassurance and comfort.
At first, I thought these thoughts and feelings stemmed from my insecurities and trauma, but now I think that is only part of it. A big part, but not the only contributing factor. A TikTok came up on my FYP (for you page) talking about BPD and emotional permanence. While I'm not diagnosed with BPD, I do experience emotional permanence issues. To my knowledge, emotional permanence issues are present among autistic and/or ADHD individuals too, as well as other conditions.
Emotional permanence issues can manifest as difficulties labelling and understanding emotions, having heightened emotional reactivity, and being easily overwhelmed by emotions. However, it can also mean that individuals who experience this have a hard time with other people's emotions. For me, this manifests as having a difficult time remembering that people (mostly D and M) love and care for me when they aren't around. Along with wondering if it ever existed in the first place. When I'm alone my insecurities and abandonment issues are amplified, my worth comes into question, and my brain makes me feel like the worst things could be happening. The TikTok I saw described it quite well and fits what I experienced. It may be worth me doing a "... and Me" post about my experience with this.
I tend to relate to a lot of BPD content that I stumble across. I'm unsure if my autism causes the same or similar issues, so perhaps it may be worth exploring this further.
One last thing to discuss before the end. I have made some slight changes to my Discord server. There were a few people who were joining, choosing the "spicy curious" role (an 18+ role), when they weren't in+. So, I have now removed the option to choose that role, and you now have to contact me or another mod/admin to get verified to enter the 18+ spaces. Along with this, I have also asked D to help out, so he is now a Mod/Admin on my server.
And with that comes the end of this post. Overall, this week has gone well with some minor bumps. I learnt something and have things in mind to research and write about. How has your week treated you?
TikTok Link: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJnnnbVb/ (TikTok by Spoonfulofhannah)
Comments