Around a year ago (ish) I started embracing my polyamorous nature; after a fair bit of research and communicating with my husband/nesting partner, we made a joint decision to explore this side of us. From our research, and joining polyam communities, we discovered it is best to date separately. This made sense to us. So throughout this post, and future posts, I will be talking from my experience; with the odd mention of M (husband/nesting partner) when appropriate.
So how did I come to learn I'm polyamorous?
Well, the simple-ish answer is I've always known, but never had a word to describe how I feel/my views. During my teens I discovered I felt different from my peers, this was only evident after I sought advice for developing a crush while in a relationship. The advice I got was pretty mononormative, and was basically along the lines of ~ if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't like/love anyone else ~. This was not helpful to hear, but it did teach me that the way I felt was ~wrong~. So from then on I tried to ignore any feelings I developed while in a monogamous relationship. All while thinking I was a ~bad~ person for feeling the way I do. It wasn't until years later I learned of polyamory. When I first learned the term I didn't do any research around the subject, and wasn't sure if it was something I related to. So the idea/thoughts got swept under the rug. Then around a year and a half ago, it popped back up on my radar and gained my attention. Now in a better headspace and position I decided to research and gain a better understanding. The more I read, and the more online communities/groups I joined, the more I understood that polyamory was very likely how I naturally am.
What happened next?
After I made this discovery about myself I decided to talk to M about my thoughts and feelings around it. While encouraging him to also pursue his own research. For the next following months we researched, shared information, shared thoughts, and discussed as much as possible around a variety of topics. I even invited him to join the online communities/groups I was a part of. During our research we also found helpful lists, questions, and resources for people new to polyamory. These helped us form our conversations and delve into our personal values and boundaries. Lots of feelings, worries, and uncertainty came up, however, we began working through these together. It probably helped that we had a solid foundation and could communicate, mostly, effectively together. We also discovered the effects of hierarchy, couples-privilege, and veto-power. When we learned of this we agreed we would work on dismantling those within our dynamic to the best of our abilities. After about 6 months of researching, and lots of discussions, we decided we were ready to take the next step.
Next step?
The next step for us was to ~officially~ open up and begin embracing our discoveries. We joined dating apps, and began attempting to form connections with other like-minded people. This part of the journey we pursued separately, while keeping each other in the loop. We were not looking to unicorn hunt, and we believed each of our other relationships are/will be separate. New feelings emerged, which we navigated both together and separately. It was strange at first, feeling like I was cheating or doing something ~wrong~. It took a couple of months for these feelings and thoughts to pass, helped by communicating with M and seeking his support. The learning wasn't done though, even now I am still learning and growing as a polyam person. However, I believe there is always something new to learn, whether polyam related or not, it will be a lifelong journey.
How has this past year gone?
As with most things, it has been a learning curve, with ups and downs to navigate. Thankfully, it has brought M and myself closer, having him alongside to help navigate is a blessing. Throughout this past year I have experienced rejection, couples-privilege, hierarchical views, judgments, and somewhat being vetoed. Throughout these experiences I was glad to have M for comfort and reassurance, while also growing a support system of polyam friends. On the other hand, I have also experienced compersion, NRE (new relationship energy), a better understanding of myself, and overall joy at working towards my best life. I have discovered more of my values and what matters to me. I have also learned to channel NRE into my established relationship with M. This past year has brought to light how much an outside support network is beneficial. However, it has also showed me areas I still need to work on. For example: my confidence, my lack of being social, and being able to stand up/speak up for myself and my values, are all things I am cultivating. Small steps are still steps in the right direction.
New relationships + am I "out"?
At the time of writing this I am currently only in one relationship/partnership with M. I have a complicated situationship (for lack of a better description) with someone who I hope to meet in real life soon. I also have met a few interesting people via Dating Apps who I talk to regularly. With these people I am vibing and seeing how things pan out. While also communicating with them around my feelings and such. As for the am I out part, kinda? I'm not hiding the fact I'm polyamorous, I share polyamorous content, but I have not directly said "I'm polyamorous" to family and such. If it comes up in conversation I mention it, but since I am still worried of the prejudice I don't openly mention it to everyone. So, yes and no on that front I guess.
What does the future hold?
For me, the future holds; personal growth, making connections, and overall enhancing my life. Personal growth will help everything else fall into place, and help me with any hurdles I may face. While I may not know exactly what the future holds, I am keeping my hopes up and staying curious at what is to come. There may be difficult times, but I trust I can overcome these and seek support when needed. Life is a journey, and my goal is to make it one I can enjoy.
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