With 2022 nearly coming to a close, now would be a good time to practice some self-reflection. I will try to keep my self-reflection to this past year, however, I may wander off on tangents 😅.
Overall, this past year has consisted of ups and downs. Thankfully it hasn't been too inundated with downs, but the downs hit me pretty hard. The most prevalent down moment this year revolved around my university degree. Which left me lacking motivation and considering leaving my course altogether. I won't discuss that in detail as it will just turn into a rant. However, I will discuss how I moved forward from this down point.
University life
Since I mentioned my university degree, that is as good a starting point as any. I started my degree in 2020, with a clear idea of what I wanted to do afterwards. Fast forward to now, and I have no idea what I actually want to do when my degree finishes in April next year. Perhaps this stems from the down point I experienced in September, or maybe it's a combination of things that have caused me to re-evaluate. Either way, I have come to the conclusion that I do not have to have a plan in place right now. I can take it as it comes and keep my mind open while I finish the course.
Now, onto the down point I mentioned. This down point occurred due to my ethics for my dissertation being sent back, and being told I had to change a large chunk of it. However, it wasn't the fact thay my ethics was sent back, or that I had to change things, that made this a low point. What made it a low point was the way my university handled it, and how they're still handling it.
I had handed my ethics in around May/June time, expecting it to be sent back to be changed over the summer hols. Did that happen? Nope. It sat in pending until September, when one of my tutors accidentally approved it and then told me it shouldn't have been approved. After speaking to the tutor about it I had to sit down with the ethics people to discuss the best way to move forward. Throughout this discussion I had to advocate for myself, explain why I choose the methods I did, and why I curated my dissertation in a way that fit me best. This in itself felt difficult, I'm not a very outspoken person and it doesn't come easy for me to advocate for myself. (Yay for trauma making it difficult). However, despite my difficulties I managed to get my point across and figure out a way I could still move forward. Now with my ethics finally approved, I can start working on my dissertation properly. This set back, and having to advocate for myself, brought back memories and feelings of when I had to leave my first degree. Which again was because of the university. But that's a different story.
It seems hard to believe that I will be finishing my degree in April. The time has flown by: and honestly I didn't think I'd make it this far. Here I am though, on the brink of achieving my first degree!
Personal life.
Moving on now to focus on my personal life. This is where most of the changes have been. Well I say changes, it's more like discoveries. I discussed these briefly in my Self-discovery Journey post. For this part, I will just focus on this year.
Since the beginning of this year I have embraced the fact that I'm polyamorous, that in itself brought about a heap of changes. It also brought to light things I need to work on.
Part of my autistic nature is to research, look at/read about, others experiences and learn about the subject from a variety of view points. This came in handy when I first started learning about polyamory. The more I read, the more I realised this is who I am. A little like a light bulb moment. It was nice knowing I'm not alone in the way I feel / think, and relate to others. Reading about it, and putting things into practice, are two different ball games. So to speak.
The first changes to come from this related to my marriage. Coming from a monogamous background meant I had some unpacking to do, some things to get used to, and some things to learn. Changes started before we even decided to embrace our polyamorous nature. We started doing weekly check-ins, did our own independent research, as well as researched together. We worked on seeing ourselves as individuals, rather than a joint package. This is still something that crops up from time to time, but communication helps. Once we decided to embrace it fully, and stop being monogamous, that brought about more changes. But it also brought to light some of the things I struggle with, which further fueled my self-discovery/growth journey.
I grieved my marriage a bit, knowing it would never be the same again, what we knew was ending in a sense. We knew there would be hurdles, things to work on, and things we could only learn through experience. But this was something we both wanted, and given we had a solid foundation, we felt safe enough to take the leap.
Since then I have become aware that I struggle with; setting boundaries, not taking on others emotions, trying to do the others self-work for them, and I struggle with standing up for myself. People pleasing is a big trauma repsonse for myself. These are all things I'm working on, with some set-backs but experience is a virtue.
My constant need to learn and understand can be a pitfall sometimes. Knowing somewhat why people act the way they do, or think the things they do, allows me to see things from their perspective. But this also means I end up giving them leeway, which isn't always a good thing. This also relates back to my struggle of not taking on others emotions or going into problem solving mode for them.
This journey has also brought up past trauma from an abusive relationship. More so, its shone a light on areas I need to work on that are caused by my trauma responses. I would love to be able to work with a therapist, it's something I've wanted to do for years now. Sadly, I do not have the funds to go private and the NHS mainly offers CBT which is not helpful for me. I've known I've needed specialist therapy since I was diagnosed autistic, but it is hard to get currently. For now, I am doing self-work and healing the best I can on my own.
As well as everything stated above, I have been working on accepting myself and developing self-love. Which is easier said than done. I believe self-growth is a constant journey, that may never end. But I am content with that, it is a journey I do not mind being on.
Let's wrap this up.
I have waffled on for long enough I think. Having covered the main points of this year, now is as good a place as any to leave it. Feel free to ask me questions, or just share your own experiences if you wish. Until next time, I bid you farewell.
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